when

I decided i should write this down because it's probably one of the most intense dreams i have ever had. Now, if you don't know this my mom died when i was six, and i got a step mom later after that named Pam who i hated very much. and I should also tell you that I'm in Germany and before i had this dream i cried my self to sleep because I had been calling friends and none of them had been to thrilled to talk to me and I was in desperate need of some friend time since I have none here. Well, here it goes:

I walked into a dark bathroom and tried to figure out the lights for awhile and after I figured that out i walked up to a bath tub filled with murky water and i played around with the faucet for awhile so the setting would be calm, and I washed of a pair of snorkeling goggles in it.
Suddenly I look up to a person showing me a photo album with pictures of my mom in a wedding dress dancing around and I soon realized that the person showing me these pictures was in fact my mother.
I then ended up on an elementary school playground on the black top with my mother and it was almost like we had gone back in time together, i mean, i was still at the age I am now but what we were looking at at the playground was her years and years and years ago in her wedding dress with a bunch of dressed up people running out of the school yard.
Then she pointed at Pam, and said
"Isn't that a pretty picture of Pam?"
I looked at her and started ranting on about how much i hated Pam. Then suddenly she looked at me and said,
"Jane honey, don't worry about your friends, you have me."
I looked at her and gave her a huge hug and started balling crying.
Then I immediately returned to the bathroom that I had been in before and I washed my face so it didn't look like i had been crying, and i blew my nose then walked out a door where my friends would all be sitting around a table just conversing. I was of course dazed and confused and didn't really feel up to talk to my friends at the time, they tried to show me toys and tell me jokes but I was stuck on the idea of my mother.

The End.
Please tell me what you think of this, if you have any input at all.

Berlin is amazing, i'm having the best time ever, i really don't even want to go back home.

things are goin' good for now.
i'm off to Germany in less than 2 weeks, and Justin and I are doin' good.
I miss old friends though, so talk to me people

Me-"Yeah, 'cause honestly no offense to all of the other guys i know) but ______ is really the most interesting guy I've ever met, I saw so much potential in that kid, and he's throwing it away with his obsession with death and ganja"

X- "Yeah, but you kinda doing the same thing with your obsession for doing drugs and drinking."


Being a hypocrite, is a new all time low.

i'm over best friends, relationships, social life's, bullshit, excuses, changes, and life itself.

i'm beginning to get overly frustrated with everyones bullshit and they're fuckin' way of treating people, not even just the way they treat me, but everyone all together.
i hate people, at least the ones that i'm close to right now.
weekends are becoming strangely predictable and i definitely do not like it that way.

somebody please save me

february of '08 is strangely similar to february of '07 in so many little ways.

i think i'm crazy, i have news theories and they are insanely ridiculous for anyone to even consider which is scary since i think there true. i need new people again, really bad. and maybe some new music.

nothin' to look forward too lately.

plan somethin' with me!

Derek and i got arrested today. Honestly, i couldn't care less about being arrested though. Derek's mom is ridiculous, on the other hand. She is sending him away, either foster home or to Santa Cruz. I've been crying for 2 hours straight, Derek is my future, Derek is the reason i got up in the morning. I really don't know what i'll do without him.

Oh so much shit.

I hate being a teenager, people and there drama just need to get away from me. I said this to someone today, and it just made me ball:
"Are you kidding? I in no way get everything I want. I just put on an act as if everything is okay. I'm technically overweight, you are crazily skinnier than I am. I'm not pretty without my ton of makeup on, and the one and only thing i have going for me right now is Derek, he is my best friend and he is the only thing i know I'll never lose."

Derek is who i count on, apparently. I even surprised myself on how much he means to me.
Ugh, i need words that make sense, and people who are worth my time.

i agree, that would be nice.

someone should become interested in me, and let me know.
i'm doin' good on friends though, especially fee and derek.

fuck
so i finally met new people
ha, thought that would work out better.
i want to get back in touch with he people used to be so good with.

I need new people to hang out with,
i;m glad schoool is startin'.

Sophia is becoming my best friend that i've eva' haaad.

If you read this, you should introduce me to new people that you think i would like!

I'm going to be really upfront.
My dad is practically killing himself,
He gets back from rehab and he comes home tonight fucking drunk again and I had to take his car keys and money away because he's acing like a little fucking kid.

Save Me.

Ohh,
They have hurt me worse than naive heartbreak.

I have new people to make me happy :]
I don't need your expensive pity.

Wow.
My life is getting tougher,
I sound like a whiner but I have a good reason.

My dad just went back to the hospital after letting me see him at his worst.
He snuck out of his window to go buy alcohal without me or my sister knowing and we saw the window busted out.
We watched him climb back in as he explained to us reeking of whine and slurring his words that he just went for a walk.

He's in the hospital now,
Let me stay out your house!

Ohh,
I've been writing and drawing a lot lately,
It's really calming,
but the sad thing is, once you think you're secure and calm,
the worst starts to happen.

Dramatic measures have taken place

My dad has been bringing up oregon for a long time,
talking about how he wants to move.

I've screamed and cried and told him I wouldn't ever move away from my friends.

Things change.

People are starting to get really rude.

I care about you so much.
You don't notice me at all.
I strive for your attention everyday,
You talk to me when it's convenient.
All I want is what we used to have.
I want your approval again.

Usually my posts are general,
but this one is specifically for one person.